Once again I let the blog slide for a few weeks and I apologize for not keeping it up to date.  I always have high hopes but then reality sets in and by the time the day is done it's just so much easier to plop my butt on the couch and decompress to The History Channel.

I honestly don't think I can clearly recall all the events of the past 2 weeks so there may be a little bit of fiction mingled with reality.  I'll do my best to relay the truth in a thorough and entertaining manner.

When I left off we had just learned of our new baby girl and of the decision to keep Sarah in the rehab center for a while longer.  The next few days following that were up and down.  Sarah seemed to have pretty much accepted the fact that we needed to keep her there for a bit.  The doctors informed her that it was not entirely my decision to do so but that they were morally obligated to help her reach a certain point in her recovery before they could allow her to return home.  This shifted some of her frustration and animosity from me to them for the rest of her stay there which I was very grateful for.  I felt like I was taking the brunt of that and in turn I had become more stern and guarded than I was loving and caring.

That Friday, 2 weeks ago tomorrow, we had a family meeting with all of her therapists, doctors and social worker.  It was nice to have them all together and hear their input and opinions of Sarah's progress.  We came to a consensus, for the most part, that while the overall feeling was that she needed more time in inpatient therapy, she also was not reaping the full benefits of being there because she wanted to be at home so badly with me and the kids.  Some of us, mainly me, felt like she was dedicating so much energy and emotion to wanting to come home that she wasn't able to focus solely on the tasks of rehabilitation.    We eventually agreed that she would be discharged the following Saturday, 8 days later.  While I have received much advice and input from many, I have ultimately just gone with my gut and instinct through these tough decisions and tried to do what I thought was best for my family, be it right or wrong.

She was not extremely happy with the news of the new extension but it did give her a firm date to look forward to which I believe helped her to be a little more positive and calm.  The agreed upon release date of the 21st had a lot to do with my availability to care for her and the kids.  I had approximately a week of work left on a big job I had been on for months and her aunt would also be returning home so I really didn't see any way we could make it work had she come home any sooner.

The next week just seemed to drag on for her.  I've never spent any time admitted in the hospital so I really can't relate to what she was feeling but I know she was sick of the place, the bed, the food, not being with her family and so on.  I tried to remind her of how challenging life at home with 4 boys can be.  The constant fighting and messes, waking up in the morning with a couple of stowaways hogging your pillow and a 2 year old kicking you in the face, cooking and cleaning and trying to keep them from burning anything down or being rushed the the emergency room.  But for her those things are comfort, they are real, they are what makes a mom.  She was missing her normal life so much.  Her setup there seemed kind of appealing to me, having a bed to yourself, meals brought to you 3 times a day and then cleaned up, nurses bathing you...but realistically I know it was very lonely for her.

I worked long days and through the weekend to try to get done while Diana and others continued to care for the kids.  On Wednesday morning I dropped Diana off at the airport to go home and my aunt Norma stayed with the boys for the day.  She's a gem.   That night was a big reality check for me when I got home and she left and it was just me and the boys having to fend for ourselves.   Without the presence of a mother figure, a house full of boys and a burned out dad can quickly turn disastrous.  Everyone knows I'm a pushover, especially my kids.  By the time we fell asleep at midnight on the couch with slurpees dripping off of everything  the house looked like a hurricane had come through it.  But it was nice to be with them.  I love my boys like crazy and in the time Sarah has been away, despite the stress and emotions and distance between us, I have grown closer to them.

Thursday and Friday our good friends took the boys for the day.  Wednesday night I was scrolling through my contact list trying to decide who I should ask to take the kids for the day and I got a text from them offering to do it.  I know what an undertaking it is and although so many have offered to help out, I still feel bad asking so much of people.  I was relieved that I didn't have to make that call and am very grateful to them for their kindness.  Some of the boys uncles and my aunts and uncles have taken them over the past few weeks also which has been a huge help and fun for the boys to get to know them better.

In the meantime Sarah was counting down the days.  She continued with her therapy sessions and I was seeing good improvements in her walking and speech.  We still had a few hard days and nights with her wanting to leave but there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  On Friday Sarah called and asked if I could bring her home then instead of Saturday.  We cleared it with the doctors.  After 3 long months I finished the last bit of work on my job, packed up my stuff and drove directly to the hospital to find Sarah sitting on the side of her bed just waiting to hop in that wheelchair and head for the door with me.    It seemed like perfect timing and everything came together just right.  We packed up her stuff and got her ready, then waited for an hour or so for the discharge papers.  I would comfortably say that this was the longest hour of her life...she was so anxious to get out of there that I had to keep my foot in front of the wheel on her chair, literally.

I could see the anxiety just evaporating out of her as we drove away, though for me it was not gone.   I was and am aware of the task ahead of us.  The past month had been extremely stressful and trying but so much of the burden was being carried by others.  I knew that my kids and Sarah were in good hands every day and despite all I was going through I really didn't ever have to worry about their day to day physical needs or safety.  I was able to continue working.  I had planned and scheduled to take 2-3 weeks off from work to focus on helping Sarah adapt and recover and to care for the kids.  Most who know me probably know that I am a workaholic.  I love my job.  Over the years I have become obsessed with it and admittedly have struggled to find a healthy balance between work and family.  I can't remember a time when I ever took a week off of work let alone two or three.  The challenge ahead seemed daunting to me but I was excited about it.  While I had been looking forward to some time at home I also was nervous about how I would manage being a full time stay at home dad/caretaker to my wife.

We arrived home last Friday afternoon, greeted by banners and balloons and flowers that Jenny and the kids had gotten.  The boys still thought she was coming home Saturday so they were surprised when they came running up to my truck.  3 of them aren't tall enough to see into the windows so I told them I had a surprise for them and opened the door.  They were thrilled to see their mom.  Lots of big hugs and kisses and some confused looks.

We managed to get her into the house without issue.  I hadn't planned on bringing her home until Saturday so the house was trashed but she didn't mind.  She was so relieved and happy to be home that none of that even mattered.  I could see that she was emotionally and physically exhausted and just wanted to lay down and decompress.  I think we both kind of took a deep breath and let out a huge sigh of relief that we had made it through that stage of the experience.

Being home all together felt really good but at the same time was kind of awkward, almost like when you first move in with your partner and are doing your best to read what their needs and expectations are and hopefully meet them.  I had walked through it all in my head a hundred times but when it came down to it I realized that I just had no idea what to expect.   We had been living and dealing with life in two very different ways for the last month and all of a sudden we had to mesh them back together.  While the kids had missed her and were happy to have her home, their needs and behaviors hadn't changed all that much.  They still needed to be cared for and entertained and guided and now I also needed to care for Sarah and keep her safe.  I will say that the last week has definitely been a reality and an ego check for me.  I am realizing that for years Sarah has been dealing with so much more than I think I have given her sufficient credit for.

Being at home with the kids all day long is hard work.  Sure I've experienced it plenty but have always had her beside me to share the load, save a few evenings here and there on the rare occasion that she goes out with friends or shopping or something.  She is still unable to walk on her own and struggles to get up and down and out of bed without my help so she has been unable to do much as far as caring for the boys.  I feel I'm writing this as if it's been years even though she's only been home 6 days.  
As I bounce back and forth between making breakfast, then second breakfast, helping Sarah to the bathroom, stopping Eli and Wes from beating each other with household items, cleaning up spilled milk or juice for the umpteenth time, unclogging the toilet, pulling out slivers, changing diapers, cleaning up poo after poo after poo,  and sweeping the floor as debris seems to be falling from the sky right behind me I can hear a collective  grinning chant from all of the stay at home mom's in the world  saying "Welcome to my world."  I could go on and on.   Seriously, I know I'm going to regret documenting this bitter realization when someday maybe months or years down the road I come home to a sink full of dishes, shoes sticking to the floor as I step up to the toilet, kids jumping naked on the tramp holding machetes,  faces covered with chocolate and dirt and and arrogantly say to my wife, "so what did you do today?"  Kind of an eye opener of a week I guess.

Stay at home mom's (and dad's)  I salute you.

So anyway, back to Sarah.  In the week that she's been home I have noticed a huge change in her speech.  She is talking so much better than she was even a week ago and leaps and bounds ahead of what she was like right after the surgery.  My theory is that, aside from her brain naturally healing,  it is also directly related to her attitude, which has gotten much more positive since returning home.  She has continued to struggle with her balance which basically affects everything in your life believe it or not.  Without the twice daily routine physical therapy I feel like her walking has declined a bit since she left rehab.  She will start having in home visits from therapists in the next day or two so I hope that will change.  We walk a little but my main focus this last week has been keeping her safe so I have pretty much just been helping her to the bathroom and shower and then getting her situated in a comfortable spot either in bed or on the couch so she can relax.
On Tuesday morning we had a big wake up call.  Until then I had just been holding her arm as she used the grab bars to walk into the bathroom from bed.  This had been working pretty well.  In retrospect I should have had her in the wheelchair even though it's only about an 8 foot walk.  At 7 am she woke me up to say she needed help to the bathroom.  In my defense I'm a deep sleeper and could probably sleep through my house burning down but that's irrelevant.  I jumped out of bed, groggy, stumbled over to her and proceeded to help her walk to the toilet.  She is very wobbly when she walks and really needs to be holding onto something with each hand as well as have her body supported from tipping.  She reached for a grab bar and mis judged the distance and immediately fell hard.  I tried to grab her torso but it happened too fast and unexpectedly and she dropped, head first right onto the shower curb. It made a loud, spine tingling, gut wrenching crack and started to bleed.  I thought for sure she had cracked her head open and I imagined the worst.  I'm sure it hurt very badly and I was paranoid that she had damaged not only her skull but her brain where the surgery had been done.  She later said that when she hit she saw sparks but didn't black out.
I called my uncle Randy who very graciously volunteered to watch the boys while we went to the emergency room.  We went back up to the U of U because they have all of her records at hand as well as previous CT scans and MRI's.  Sarah wasn't the least bit excited to be back there so quickly after her month long stint but we knew we had to.  After 6 hours and another brain scan they determined that to the best of their knowledge they couldn't see any new damage to the skull or brain.  She left there with a small gash above her eye and an aching head.  Today she has a huge black and blue eye, a visual reminder to me to be much more cautious.  I feel like I let her down but am so glad that it didn't turn out worse.  I have since repositioned and added a few more grab bars and have recommitted to transporting her in her wheelchair for the time being.

Despite the major adjustments and steep learning curve for me, I have really enjoyed this last week with my family.  I can tell the boys are enjoying having me and Sarah around.  I'm not near as structured and entertaining as some of their sitters over the past month but they like just doing simple things and hanging out.  The younger ones get so excited to go somewhere with me, even just going to home depot or the gas station is a big adventure.  I swear every time we pull up at our destination or even when I just hit the brakes they immediately are un buckled and poking their heads over my shoulder like little meerkats.  It has been good to reconnect with them and also with Sarah.  I feels nice to be back in our comfortable chaos.

This experience is far from over but I feel like I have learned and grown immensely from it.    I'm sure that Sarah feels the same.  It has really put me in check and forced me to take a step back and look at what is really important, my family.

The progress is slow and inconsistent sometimes but we hope that it just keeps coming.  For now it's just a day at a time.

Thanks for reading.