Lots of people have been inquiring about Sarah since the surgery on Monday.  It makes me happy to see how many people care about her and us.  I apologize if I have not responded to every text or email and I admit I haven't been answering the phone much.  Don't take it personal, it's just been a little hectic on my end of the boat.  Sarah doesn't even have her phone nor has she really been able to talk much due to her condition but in time I'm sure she will get back in touch with you all.  Right now our main focus is getting her well.

I've spent the last few nights and days with her in the Neuro center at the U of U hospital and was spelled off from time to time by my mom who is there tonight, my sister in law and Sarah's aunt who spent the day with her today.  I've had a lot of mixed emotions during this time.  I still feel a great sense of relief that the surgery went well and that she is on the road to recovery.  The doctors and nurses think that she is making great progress in a short time she has been there.   It has been sad to watch her struggle so hard to do simple things like walk and talk and feed herself.  

She is very strong, both physically and mentally.  The physical therapists have been impressed with how strong her body is.  She is able to move her arms and legs very well but is really lacking the coordination to control what everything does.   A huge side effect of the brain surgery is the toll it has taken on her ability to control her body.  It wants to do all the normal things but isn't getting the right signals from the brain to do so.   The surgery was so deep in her brain and in such a delicate spot that just getting in there, not to mention cutting and scraping out the tumor (cavernous malformation if you want to get all technical),  caused a lot of irritation and swelling.  From my understanding this is confusing the signals that it sends to the body to make it do what she wants it to do.  So her legs are strong enough to move and support her, but she's not able to apply the right pressure or flex the right muscles in unison to hold herself up.    

She has improved drastically though in just the last day or two.  She is an extremely independent and strong willed person, anyone who knows her can attest to that.  Countless times in the last few days she has started to get herself out of bed because she's sick of laying there.  When the therapists take her on her daily walk she tells them she wants them to take her for a long one to push her and get her better faster.  She wants to feed herself and is getting it down pretty good.  For the first day or two she really struggled to hold a fork, and would miss her mouth more often than not.  But the last few days she refused to let me feed her and did it on her own.  

Apparently they feel that she is making good progress because this afternoon they transferred her from the Acute Care center to the rehabilitation center one floor below.  They expect her to stay there for no less than 2 weeks but very possibly longer.  Tomorrow morning they will do a complete assessment of her condition and her needs and formulate a rehabilitation plan to focus on getting her back to where she can function.  She will meet with occupational therapists to help her with day to day survival skills like writing, dressing and communicating.  She will also be working with physical therapists and doctors to get her body coordination back on track.  They said that their main goal in the time they have her is to get her to a point where she can come home and be safe.  Now this is all relative.  When you live with 4 boys you are never really safe, you gotta always be watching your back.  I swear at least once a day something gets chucked at my groin.  Just today I got home after not seeing the boys for a few days.  They were all begging me to come out to the backyard.  Finally I did and just as I stepped out the back door I was ambushed with water balloons and a hose.  A nice and thoughtful welcome home gesture.  Anyway,  we know that once she is back home with us there will still be a lot of work needed to get her back to where she used to be.  If I'm being honest, this is a pretty daunting task in my eyes.  The boys and I rely on her for so much and we are having to adapt to life without her for the time being.  I can't imagine going through this without the help of some very special people who are giving so much of their time to us right now.  I am so thankful for them all.

Another thing that has really caught me off guard was how this would affect Sarah's mental state.  She is sharp as a tack.  She'll tell the nurses and doctors the ages and names of all the kids and their birthdays, the date, her address and all the meds and doses she had been prescribed pre surgery.  Yet she has trouble distinguishing reality from her thoughts often.  This is simply from my observations and communications with her as I don't know what she's actually thinking.  I share this not to mock or embarrass her in any way but to help explain what she is going through.  For example yesterday in the middle of the night she was insisting that I needed to let our 2 year old Ollie out of the bathroom where I apparently had locked him up.  I'm still not sure how to react to this so first I attempted to explain to her that we were at the hospital and that Ollie was safe at home with her aunt.  When that didn't work and she continued insisting, getting angrier, I tried to go along with it and open the bathroom door to show her that he wasn't in there.  This really upset her and her mood escalated from there.  The nurses heard the commotion and came in.  She told them she was going to punch me if I didn't let him out.  A few minutes later she was very calm and asking me for a drink.  This is one of many similar instances, most of which occur in the night.  I have to keep telling myself that this is not really Sarah, just the effects of everything she's going through.  I've been reading and asking a lot about this.  There are many opinions as to what causes the delusion or maybe just confusion.  It could be due to the pain meds and steroids she is on, along with the trauma and injury her brain has experienced which is mixing up her thoughts and emotions.  One doctor referred to it as Sundowners Syndrome, or Post Op Psychosis,  and says it is very common for people to experience this after major surgery, especially on the brain, and more commonly at night for some reason.  We all love her so much though and know that she is a sweet and caring woman so we do our best to let it go and hope that it will soon be over for her. 

I really didn't know what to expect as far as a recovery process.  I had a pretty broad spectrum of outcomes in my mind.  I was mentally preparing myself for a worst case scenario such as her being paralyzed or even dead but I think what I was really hoping for was a few days in the hospital and then her coming home and needing a little more rest than usual.  I didn't dedicate a tremendous amount of thought to all of the in between.  So yes, I think I was a little underprepared mentally for the challenges we now face.  But, you just roll with the punches and adapt.  

Today I tried to go back to work and get some tile laid.   I had a brief moment, well more like a few hours, of overwhelming stress.  The hospital called and told me they were ready to transfer Sarah to the rehab center.  I thought I'd be a sensible guy and call my insurance company just to be sure that the rehab would be covered.    After about a year on hold they told me that the U of U rehab was an out of network provider and that it would be covered but only after an additional 5 grand deductible and then another 10 grand.  That got me wondering then if the surgery that was done at the U would be considered out of network also, even though I was assured it wasn't a few weeks ago.  I called back to try and trick them and spoke to a different insurance representative but got the same answer...out of network.  In my mind I was climbing the bell tower with an AK 47 but after another hour or two on the phone and on hold and feeble attempts to stick a few tiles on the wall to distract myself they came to the conclusion that there had been a misunderstanding and that our plan would cover them both.  I guess I've got to get my heart rate going somehow.

Anyway...I'm excited to see the progress that Sarah will undoubtedly make in the days and weeks to come and I can't wait to see her feeling good again.  It is strange to be here at home and her not be with us.  It was weird to not be texting and talking to her throughout the day.  She is who I vent to all the time from work, she's the only one (aside from Facebook tile nerd friends) who will listen to my boring tile tales and pretend she cares.  She keeps me entertained  throughout the day with funny stories about the kids and all the shenanigans they do.  I can't wait to have her back to her old self.  Everyone who has been working with her is confident that this is very possible with lots of patience and effort from her and us.

I know lots of people want to visit her but I'm not sure how ready she feels for that.  Please give us a few more days to see how she does and then we'll go from there.  I'll try to stay in touch.  

Thanks for reading.

Doctor Jensen just came in and was ecstatic to see how well Sarah is doing. He expects that with some inpatient rehab after the hospital stay and of course with some time that she will make a full recovery.  


After hearing about her walking this morning and checking her current symptoms he was very optimistic.


They are recommending that after being released from the hospital she spend around 2 weeks or so in an inpatient rehabilitation facility here at the U to help with her walking, speech and cognitive skills.  


He also believes that she is 2 days ahead of his expected recovery time and that the delusional behavior and thoughts are a direct result of the steroids which they are slowly weening her off of.


I'm headed home to spend some time with the boys then back up here for the night.  

I am here in the Neuro Intensive care unit with Sarah.  She had a really rough night.  Her brain experienced a lot of trauma during the surgery.  Between that and the meds and just everything that has been going on the doctor thinks it caused some post operation psychosis.  She was really confused and disoriented and having some very vivid thoughts and dreams that she thought were really happening.  It is hard and sad to see her like this but I have to remind myself that it is hopefully just very temporary. There was one nurse that she really clicked with who was able to help keep her calm from time to time.  I was grateful that her sister stayed with her for a while so I could go home to spend some time with the kids and get them in bed.  It was good to reassure them that their mom was okay.

This morning things have gotten a little better for her.  She is still kind of delusional and confused but at the same time very alert and aware of what's going on around her.  She is experiencing a lot of pain and discomfort and some bad double vision which the doctor said would happen.  She is talking a lot though a good part of it is gibberish but as a man I am good at zoning all that out anyway :)  She has said some funny stuff that made me laugh but she's totally serious.  I'm just glad she's able to communicate.

She was able to get up and walk down the hall with me and 2 physical therapists holding her.  They were impressed that she did so well.    She just got all cleaned up and got new clothes and sheets and teeth brushed thanks  to our sweet El Salvadorian CNA named Rosa.  I watched as she did all this and was pretty touched that a total stranger would have so much compassion for my wife.  I don't think I could do that for a complete stranger.  These nurses and caregivers seriously have a special gift of caring for people.


Back to the surgery a bit...So yesterday at about 5:00 pm our neurosurgeon Dr. Jensen came out to the waiting room to find me.   I could tell by the smile on his face that things went well. He said he had just finished and that Sarah came to very quickly after he was done.  She gave him 2 thumbs up, wiggled her toes, smiled and tried to pull off her oxygen mask.   He took us into a room and talked about what he had done.  They made an incision about 5" long from the base of the skull down to the lower neck.  They cut into the skull, a hole about the size of a racquetball maybe.  They had to separate the 2 hemispheres of the brain to get right into the center where the tumor was sitting basically on top of the brain stem.  He said that after getting in there and looking closer, he discovered that it wasn't necessarily a tumor per say but rather a "cavernous malformation" as he put it.  From my understanding it started out, maybe at or before birth even, as abnormally formed blood vessels that enlarged slowly  after repeated small hemorrhages possibly throughout Sarah's life.  It eventually formed a large mass.  This one happened to be sitting right on top of the brain stem, in a very hard and tricky place to get to.  He said he really had to work at it to get it out, and in lots of little pieces.  He had to be extremely careful in the process to not damage the spinal cord. Due to the bleeding over the years it had stained the surrounding brain making it really hard to see exactly where the mass was and wasn't.  He was confident that he gotten most of it out and was also optimistic that it wasn't malignant but can't say for sure until the biopsy comes back later this week.  Overall his feeling was that the surgery went better than we had all hoped for.  We are so glad.

After reading a bit on google we found that it is common for people with a cavernous malformation to be mis diagnosed as having Multiple Sclerosis.  This is interesting as many of Sarah's symptoms over the last months and even the last year have been parallel to MS symptoms.

I know this was just a day in the life for him but for me and my family and for Sarah's, this was an extremely stressful, scary and hopefully once in a lifetime experience.  I'm so grateful that Dr. Jensen and his team possess the amazing talent and ability to do what they did for Sarah.   To say that we are relieved would be an understatement.

I wish it was all over an we could go home and back to our normal life now but it's looking like we will have some tough challenges ahead in her recovery.  Maybe for a few weeks only, maybe months, maybe longer.  She is strong and determined but for today she is  struggling to make sense of reality and is in a lot of discomfort.  They moved her out of ICU and into Acute Neuro Care an hour ago and after eating some lunch she is finally drifting off to sleep.

I know many friends and family would love to see her but for the time being I think she really just needs some peace and quiet.  Commotion seems to stress her out and she's having a  hard time interpreting peoples good intentions.  She really struggles to talk, feels a little claustrophobic and is experiencing some delusion....from best I can tell by observing her that is.  Please know that we appreciate all your thoughts and prayers so much and look forward to visiting as her condition improves, hopefully very soon.

We will keep you posted.  Thanks.

Also, for any health care professionals reading this, please excuse my poor attempt to convey my own interpretation of what the doctors and nurses are telling me.  I'm doing my best to take it all in but sometimes I just wing it.

I just wanted to do a quick post and will go into more detail tomorrow.  I am burned out.

The tumor is out and Sarah is stable and sleeping.  She's uncomfortable but okay.  The surgery went better than we could have hoped.  It lasted close to 6 hours and we expect her to be in ICU for at least another day or two and then probably another 3-5 days in the hospital.

Thank you all who sent your thoughts and prayers in our direction.  We are very relieved to have this part of the process behind us.  She's not in the clear but we hope that the worst is over.

Good night.

We are here at the waiting room in the U of U hospital.
Sarah was extremely calm and optimistic this morning.  I was a nervous nelly but tried to pretend I wasn't.  I didn't sleep much last night but every time I looked at her she was sleeping soundly and peacefully.  She hasn't slept well for weeks so I was surprised that she was finally able to.   We said goodbye to the boys who are spending the day with Sarah's aunt Diana who is at the house for the next month.  They were sweet.  They all gave their mom a hug.  As we were pulling away 4 year old Wesley came out on the porch and waved.  He was smiling but I saw a little tear drop from his eye.  I'm not sure how much he really understands about what is happening today but he can sense the seriousness about what his mom would be doing.
We arrived at about 10:30 where we were admitted into a room for Sarah to change.  We met with a few nurses who did their thing.  Our anesthesiologist Dr. Talmadge Eagan met with us and was very positive as he started her IV.  Then Dr. Randy Jensen, Sarah's neurosurgeon, came in to give us a debriefing.  He said that after looking at last nights MRI results that he really doesn't have a lot of answers for us at this time.  The tumor is resting right on top of the brain stem.  Until they get in there and examine it there is just no way to know whether it will come out easily or not.  Basically, the outcome could be anything from simply peeling at away and taking it out to a more difficult process of slowly removing it piece by piece.  He says it is very likely that her symptoms after the surgery will get a little worse before they get better.  I'm sure the swelling and disturbance from the surgery will irritate things in there.  He also said it is very likely that Sarah may need some, or a lot of therapy after the operation to recover.  There is a good possibility that it will affect her speech, vision and overall motor skills temporarily or even permanently.
None of this seemed to phase Sarah's good attitude.  She was smiling and joking around like always, even teasing our surgeon about not messing up.  She was so excited, as ironic as that sounds, to get on with it.  We said our goodbyes and they took her in at around 11:00 am.

I've been pacing a lot, trying to relax, watching the clock....

Around 12:30 the Operating Room nurse called me and said that they had just begun the surgery after an hour and a half of prep.  It's comforting that they know what they are doing and taking the time to do it right.  She said Sarah was doing great.

Again at about 2:45 the nurse called to let us know that they had gotten into the skull and brain and had the tumor in sight.  They were about to attempt to take a piece of it for testing.  I'm assuming that the results of the test will determine the level of aggressiveness they will utilize for the remainder of the operation.  She said that Sarah's vitals were all good and everything was going well.

That's about it for now.

Thanks for all the prayers and support.

Well...here we are, less than 2 days away from Sarah's brain tumor surgery.  The last few weeks seem to have gone by so slowly.   Sarah is hanging in there, optimistic but uncomfortable, anxious and restless.   She is ready to get on with her life, whatever the future may hold.
We had a little scare this week.  She was worried she may have lost the baby but after an ultrasound yesterday we were reassured that baby is still alive and well.  I was looking for that telltale sign of another boy but I guess it's still a little too soon.  Baby was moving around in there though.  It's amazing to me to be able to see the little arms and the whole spine and even a little glimpse of a face.

She has had an extremely hard time sleeping at night.  The steroids are giving her a lot of energy and anxiety at  but she is in such discomfort that it has been hard to do much so she she's just kind of feeling trapped in her mind.  Poor thing.  She says she can't wait for the anesthesiologist to make it all go away for a day during the surgery.  I can only imagine how badly she's wanting some relief from all this.

We have a little bit of experience with hospitals and such but this is very new and different to us.  We (Sarah that is,  I was just a semi-innocent bystander) have delivered 4 sons in the last 10 years.  Their deliveries were more or less scheduled, planned and went fairly smoothly and without major issue.   For the most part these experiences were very pleasant and after the first one we kind of thought we knew what to expect.  Of course it's easy for me to say all this.  All I ever had to do was walk her in, offer  occasional moral support, relax in my own bedside Lazy Boy recliner, cut the cord and bask in the warm fuzzy afterglow that a new baby brings.  If Sarah were writing this you would probably get a little more colorful description.  I am grateful to have 4 healthy boys and I think Sarah is just a truly amazing woman for bringing them safely into the world.

 In 2004 our first son Geddy, under 2 years old at the time, was run over by a car in a friends driveway.  We spent a week in Primary Childrens Hospital with him.   This was a time when we were running on adrenaline, fear and prayers.  It all happened in the blink of an eye with no time to mentally prepare ourselves.  An emergency situation in the hospital is nothing like the long awaited birth of a baby.  You literally are acting on instinct with no option but to turn your child over to those who can help him.  It took a few weeks for him to re learn to walk and for his fractured pelvis to heal but he did great.  Geddy, now almost 10, is a very healthy and happy boy with no apparent remnants from the accident save a barely visible scar on his abdomen.

Again in the summer of 2010 we had a surprise trip to the ER when our son Eli took a nose dive off of a picnic table at the park and knocked himself unconscious.  He was life flighted to Primary Children's medical center and released just a few hours later with a minor concussion and an enormous goose egg on his forehead.  That whole experience lasted maybe 4 hours tops but did include an exciting drive down parley's canyon from Park City where I was working.  Eli was barely shaken and was wanting to ride his bike and jump on the trampoline the next day.  Fortunately he quickly recovered and is fine.  Even before that day though we had given him the nickname "Eli Kenevil" due to his long track record of stunts and minor injuries...definitely our most accident prone child still to this day.

So I guess we have had a good bit of hospital trauma and drama but Sarah's brain tumor doesn't seem to fit into any category of experience that we can wrap our mind around yet.  We really just don't know what to expect.  There are so many possible outcomes and for the last 3 weeks we've both been pretty stir crazy thinking about it.   Sarah seems to be very calm and confident that after the surgery she will be better.   I have tried to keep my mind occupied with work and caring for her and the kids but my head is definitely spinning with scenarios.  I'm glad we are getting close to the operation now so we can hopefully start to get some clarity and ease our minds.

There has been a tremendous outpouring of love and compassion towards us from so many.  I watched something on TV a while back about a guy who won a huge chunk of money in a lottery.  He talked about how all of a sudden people he had known in life, old friends, long lost relatives and even people he had at one time burned a bridge with all of a sudden were emerging back into his life, hoping to get a piece of his newfound fortune.
We can somewhat relate to this.  Since the news of Sarah's diagnosis, people are literally coming out of the woodwork to offer help and support in any way that they can.  Some who aren't able to physically help have given in other ways.  So many have brought over meals, taken our boys for a few hours or the day to entertain and care for them, even cleaned our house.  I came home last week to someone I hardly know doing our laundry.  Luckily I had just washed all of my socks underwear the day before.  Friends with whom I have, simply out of my antisocial nature, lost contact with over the years have reached out with sincere love and compassion to offer their support or anything else we might need.  I have had guys offer to help me at work to finish a big job sooner in order to take some time off.  Guys who have their own jobs and families and commitments.  While I have yet to take any of them up on the offer,  I am seriously humbled by their kindness and sincerity.  All I can say is that I am blown away by this realization that we are surrounded by so many good people.

The boys are taking everything in stride I guess.   I can tell they are concerned for their mom but they are each reacting differently.  The rowdiness level has increased a bit in the household, even though I thought it was maxed out already.  They can tell things aren't quite normal around here and I think this triggers some acting out.   Wesley, my 4 year old,  decided that instead of getting in the van to go and get dinner yesterday that he would hop on his bike and take off down the street.  Luckily my mom was with me so it looked like less of a kidnapping situation than previous incidents when I have had to snatch him off the street kicking and screaming and toss him in the back door of the van by myself.
Eli has been asking if we think that he will get a tumor.  We tease him sometimes when he tries to steal a sip of Sarah's drink that he better not or he might get one too.   That reminds me of something funny Sarah said when we were at the hospital for her last appointment.  When she was getting out of the van the valet kid came to help her  and when he grabbed her arm she said laughing "Don't worry, I'm not contagious, it's just a brain tumor."

Today they went to the parade with Grandma Lani and then this evening my Dad took me and the boys to the carnival.  On a side note, the carnival is weird.  Speaking of people coming out of the woodwork...I'm just gonna stop there.  Ollie and Wes had fun on the stupid off road jeep ride thing, Geddy won a goldfish and Eli convinced me he could handle one of those spinning rides that they probably have to hose down 2 or 3 times a day.  I managed to finish the night without getting puked on and we had fun.

Last week Sarah's friend came over to the house and cut her hair really short.  I guess she was wanting one less thing to worry about.  She's still gorgeous and maybe it helped prepare her for tomorrow when we will go in for some prep work on her skull.  I'm not exactly sure how it's all going to go down but my understanding is that they will shave the spot on the back of her head where the craniotomy will be taking place.  They will then do another MRI and map out the route on her skull and in her brain for the surgeon to plan his operation.   I'm picturing chalk lines and a grid across her head for a layout but hopefully it is a little more sophisticated than the way I would do it.

She really just seems ready and eager to get it done and is anticipating a successful operation and a positive outcome.  I am hopeful for the same.  Her surgery starts at 10:30 on Monday and they expect it to take around 5 hours.  I will post an update on Facebook for those following and will try to keep you all in the loop as soon as we know more.

Again, we are so thankful for all of you.

So it has been 1 week now since we found out about Sarah's brain tumor.  It's amazing how so much has changed in our life with just this one piece of information that we were previously unaware of.
Our focus has been redirected from normal day to day activities that had become so routine,  to constant planning and preparation for the weeks and months to come.    

I'd love to say that her condition is improving but honestly the symptoms have continued to decline, though not tremendously.  She remains, for the most part, very positive, optimistic and peaceful despite what is going on with her body and her mind.   The fact that we know the operation is nigh gives us hope that we can move past this in time.

The doctor prescribed Sarah with a pretty decent dose of steroids.  From my understanding these are meant to temporarily shrink the tumor, for lack of a better description, relieving a little bit of the pressure from whatever it is touching in there.  These have helped to take the edge off some of the symptoms but not entirely or constantly.  The vertigo continues to be a problem for her.  This has really affected her balance so getting around the house has been a challenge and chasing the kids with a broom has been completely out of the question. :)

She did fall a few times over the weekend and yesterday she fell in the shower.  She is okay, but definitely more cautious.  Last night I found myself in the bath safety isle at Home Depot buying a grab bar, a shower seat and a new shower head.  Normally not a big deal as I install this kind stuff for people on occasion in my profession but the experience seemed surreal to me at the time, almost like it was out of a dream.  It just didn't seem right that I was headed home to put these things in my own house for my wife.  The 2 little boys helped me install them.  It was a typical "working at home" experience.  I go out to the shop to find a drill bit while in the meantime  Ollie and Wesley open everything and dump all the parts on the floor and down the drain.  Of course I have every tool known to man in the shop expect for that one drill bit that I need.  Long story short I swear at the kids, they run off laughing,  I improvise and half ass the grab bar with the intent of doing it right tomorrow.  Any dad of young kids who has attempted to work on his own house knows exactly what I'm talking about...Sarah is laughing in the other room the whole time as I'm chucking wrenches across the bathroom.  We move on.
Tomorrow a lady from down the street is bringing a walker by for her to use.  I feel like I should buy some tennis balls to put on the feet of it.  I don't know why but every time I see an elderly person with a walker it has tennis balls on the feet so there must be a reason behind it.

  We have gotten to a point where we feel it is better that someone (other than the kids of course) is here with her at the house as often as possible.  We have been fortunate to have lots of people willing and caring enough take time out of their busy lives and help out while I am at work.  My mom spent the day with Sarah and the boys.  She took the kids to Walmart and got a big inflatable pool that they set up on the patio.  She was so helpful and I know she left exhausted.  The boys are energy leeches.  They will drain any normal adult after a day.  Sarah's Aunt will come out and stay with us for 3 weeks during and after the surgery.  She's got a lot of energy and hopefully between her, my mom, my dad and step mother and many others we can keep up with what Sarah would normally be doing.

Yesterday our niece came by to help Sarah make a notebook to help us get organized for the time after the surgery.  It's basically a manual of her day to day activities for the people who will be here to take care of the house and kids while she's in the hospital and during her expected recovery.  It includes an extensive list of names and numbers of people who have volunteered to do meals and help with kids,  Zoo passes, library cards, martial arts schedules for the boys etc, etc.  As I looked through it I was amazed at, and reminded of all the things my wife does for our family every day.  She is seriously amazing and I'm so lucky to have her as the mother of my kids.  They are lucky to have her as their mom.
Despite everything she is facing and the discomfort she is dealing with right now, I think the thing that is the hardest for her is the thought of not being able to care for our kids the way she normally does.
Here she is, scheduled for brain surgery in just a few weeks and one of her main concerns is that Wesley gets to have a fun 5th birthday party before she goes into the hospital.  His birthday is just a few days after her operation and she doesn't want him to be sad that he missed out.  This is so indicative of Sarah's character.  I can't think of a time since our first son was born almost 10 years ago that she has put her own wants or needs above the safety and well being of our children.  She is truly a selfless, devoted mother.   And while she wouldn't say it, I'm sure she knows that if it was left up to me we'd probably end up going to the gas station for Slurpees then come home and watch Pawn Stars.

The time to wait until the surgery now seems like it is just dragging on.  We are nervous but anxious to get on with things.  Sarah is having a good bit of anxiety.  I think a lot of it is brought on by the steroids but I know she's concerned about how everything will go and with getting things in line before hand.
I'm nervous and anxious.  It's all I think about.  I try not to spend too much time dwelling on the what if's but I'd be lying if I said I don't think about possible outcomes quite a bit.  We know there is only so much that we have control over and we are doing our best to take care of those things.
We feel optimistic that everything will improve in time and that our life will be better because of it.  This experience is definitely putting me in check with what is really important in my life and I'm sure Sarah feels the same.

I was thinking today about our brain surgeon.  He's a nice, normal guy.  I can't imagine how it would be to wake up in the morning and go to work knowing that the life of a mother and the fate of her family hinges on the steadiness of his hands.  What a heavy burden that must be, one I'm happy to not have.  We have the utmost confidence in his abilities to do everything in his capacity to perform a successful operation.  I know that beyond that, it is in God's hands.  We feel at peace with whatever the outcome may be.
I'm thinking I might try to see if I can cut a little under the table deal with him to maybe remove her memories of all of the times in the past 12 years that I've been a complete horses ass.  This could get pricey though, especially if he's charging piece rate.

Anyway, we are excited and ready for the next step.  On Thursday we'll meet with our OBGYN/Anesthesiologist to do some tests and blood work and go over some more details, risks, expectations etc.
 
And just as a disclaimer, I hope everyone reading this knows that my attempts at humor are meant with no disrespect to my wife or anyone else in a similar situation.  Everyone who knows us knows that's just who we are.  I am lucky to be married to such a fun woman who can laugh at herself, and at me even in such a serious time of life.

Thanks for reading.

I'm starting this blog to keep our friends and family informed and up to date on Sarah's condition over the next few weeks and months.
I'm a first time blogger and a bit rusty in my storytelling but I hope this will be helpful to those of you who are concerned...and don't expect and fancy decorations as my scrapbooking skills are in the slim to none category.

About 2 1/2 months ago my lovely wife Sarah and I found out that she was pregnant with our 5th child.  This came as quite a surprise to us both.  Yes, we know how it happens but apparently knowing is only half the battle...oops.  I take full responsibility for this one.  Anyway, after getting over the initial shock we have embraced the challenge and have been excited.  We thought we were done and were ready to move on with the next phase of life.  We had gotten rid of all the baby stuff.  I was counting down the days to that last poopy diaper.  Whenever anyone asked if we were going to try for that girl my answer was always the same.  "Hell No."
 I admit, I had been a bit baby hungry in the previous months though, as much as I convinced myself I wasn't.  Anyway, we are excited and can't wait for the new addition to the family.

We have 4 young boys and our life is hectic but very happy...never a dull moment.  Sarah is an amazing mom.  I would put her in the ring against any mom out there and bet money on her.  It takes some serious skills to be the mom of 4 boys.  You have to have thick skin, a good sense of humor and the awareness of a prison guard.  She is perfect for them and loves them like nobody else can.

In the early weeks of being pregnant she started to get nauseous, which is pretty typical.  It seemed a little worse than normal but not extreme.  She also started having some really bad vertigo.  Over the last few months the nausea and vertigo got worse.  I also started noticing that her speech was changing and it was getting harder to understand her when she spoke.  She has had trouble writing her name, drinking water and other simple things that we take for granted. She has been really uncomfortable and felt like things just weren't right.  It would be an injustice to her for me to try to explain everything she has been going through but overall her condition had become unbearable.

Anyway...on June 5th, her 38th birthday, she was feeling extremely sick.  She called me and said she was going to have her friend take her to the ER.  I met them there.

After all the back and forth and trying to decipher what was going on Sarah decided that she wanted to get a CT scan.  We wanted to do an MRI but they said it was risky, being pregnant and all.

I was watching out the door as the doctor was reviewing the results of the test on his screen.  He called another doctor over, then a nurse and pretty soon a few others.  I could tell something was up.
He came back in the room and told us that things just did not look right, that they were seeing something that caused a good bit of concern.  They decided then that an MRI was necessary despite the possible risks.
The results of the MRI came back and the doctor informed us that Sarah has a tumor in the center of her brain about the size of a walnut, maybe a golf ball even.  My initial gut reaction was to quote Arnold Schwarzenegger from the 90's movie Kindergarten Cop "It's not a Toomah"...but I didn't.

We were shocked honestly.  No other way to put it.  You just don't expect that kind of stuff to happen to you.  Yet I think in a way Sarah was somewhat relieved to know that there actually was something to attribute the symptoms to and that they had possibly found it.

Their opinion is that the tumor had finally grown enough to start putting pressure on other things in there, which was affecting her balance, motor skills and overall state of being.
I'm not even going to pretend to know all the scientific names and terminology for all the stuff they talked to us about but they said that it is in a tricky spot and that would most likely need to come out fairly soon.

Yesterday we met with Dr. Randy Jensen at the University of Utah Hospital.  He's a neurosurgeon.  He reviewed the MRI results and did a bunch of tests on Sarah and determined that it would be in Sarah's best interest to get the tumor out of there pretty soon.
He also said that it is in a very delicate spot in the brain and pretty far in from the skull, making the operation that much more challenging.  On top of that, the fact that she is pregnant adds a whole list of challenges to the procedure.  He was confident that it could be done though and suggested we move forward. There are risks of course, to Sarah and to the baby, but we feel that this is necessary to get her back to feeling good and functioning again and for her long term health and well being.
 
He will do a craniotomy, basically cut a hole in the back of her skull and open up the brain to get in there where this thing is.  If you are the queezy type and not really into gore, do yourself a favor and don't spend 2 hours looking at craniotomy pictures online....just sayin'.

Sarah and I both felt very confident with him and still do feel a peace about everything.  Sarah especially is ready to get it done and her attitude is very optimistic.  We feel like no matter what the outcome is that things will be okay.  Not much more you can do really.

We have had an overwhelming amount of kindness and voluntary help from family, friends and neighbors who have given of their time to help with the kids, the house, meals etc.  I have had to continue at work so it has been extremely helpful to have so many people step in and help out.  In the next few weeks and months I know we will be needing a lot more.  This is something we are not used to.  We don't like to ask anyone for anything but I am very grateful for everyone.

Anyway, her surgery is scheduled for June 25th.  We ask for your prayers or your thoughts or whatever it is you do.   She will need them.

I will try to keep this up to date in the coming weeks.  Thanks for reading.

We love you Sarah.