Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since Sarah's surgery.  I think it's safe to say that when we started this journey a little over a month ago we had no idea what we would be in for.

I apologize for not being more dedicated to keeping the blog up to date.  The 10 days since the last post have been an emotional whirlwind for us all.  So many times I almost started writing but just wasn't feeling inspired.  Tonight it kind of felt like that feeling you have when a paper is due at school tomorrow and you've been putting it off for a week.  I know it's not like the fate of the world hinges on my blog or anything... but I do feel a need to share what we are experiencing.  My hope is that it will comfort our loved ones by keeping them informed, and maybe even help somebody in some way or another who may be facing or someday face a similar obstacle or experience in their life.

I'll start with the nitty gritty, the reason all of you are reading, to know how Sarah is doing.  I fear that a lot of this post might end up being about me. This blog is, after all, based entirely on my experience in dealing with Sarah and this challenge.  I do my best to portray her feelings but really only she can do that.  I do suffer from a little bit of egomania though so I hope you'll flatter me by reading to the end.

For the last 10 days Sarah has been living in the U of U inpatient medical rehabilitation facility.  When she was transferred there a week ago Friday her mental and physical state was pretty grim in my eyes, though very normal and actually better than expected if you were to ask our neurosurgeon.   She couldn't stand or walk without 2 people supporting her completely, her speech was barely discernible and she was suffering from a great deal of post operation psychosis and anxiety.  I am happy to say that all of these symptoms have greatly improved since then.  Sarah has been on a busy schedule with occupational, physical and speech therapists.  Each morning after breakfast an occupational therapist named Annie comes to Sarah's room.  She is sweet and very genuine and seems to get along really well with Sarah.
They work on a lot of simple daily life skills that were once so routine and thoughtless to Sarah, and still are to most of us.  They practice, among other things, getting dressed, memory skills and writing.  I know that writing has been really frustrating to Sarah.  She has always had such beautiful handwriting. I saw this start to decline in the few weeks prior to the surgery.  After the operation though we saw a drastic drop in her ability to write anything at all.  Her mind knows how to do it but she is literally having to retrain it to be able to make her hands do what they once could.  It's hard to watch her frustration as she tries to do simple mazes with crayons or write the kids names.  In watching her, you know she knows exactly what to do and how to do it but it's so hard for her to make her hands do it.  She has improved a lot in the last week though and with continued practice I know she will get it back.

She does hours of physical therapy every day too.  Stacy and a few other therapists have her go on lots of walks.  I have been able to be a part of many of these.  They wrap a support belt around her torso and one of us will walk on each side of her to support her while she walks.  She is extremely strong physically and has a determined attitude, usually insisting on walking further than the last time.  I have noticed a great improvement in the last week.  She is able to sit up on her own and climb out of bed with just one person supporting her.  The other day she was working on a weight machine doing some leg lifts.  Stacy asked her to do 3 rounds of 20 which Sarah did without issue, and then did a bunch more.  I seriously don't think I could have done that many myself right now.  They have had her practicing with a walker the last few days too.  I'm assuming this is what she will mainly be using to get around when she comes home.

She does an hour or two of speech therapy each day too though I have unfortunately missed all of  those sessions.  Any of you who have talked to her lately have probably been surprised at how different she sounds from prior to the surgery.  Her speech is very slurry and mumbled though she has some good and bad days with it.  I am a horrible listener to start with so communicating with her  has been a real challenge for me.  She has made some big strides in the last few days though and they seem confident that in time she will regain this as well.

Overall,  her condition is improving daily.  We were certainly not prepared to deal with the side effects that the surgery would bring.  Despite lots of reading along with warning from the surgeon and others, there's really just nothing that can prepare you to deal with this.  You just do.  I try to remain optimistic that she will make a full recovery though I am realizing that it may not come as quickly as we hope.

They have set a tentative date for her to return home on July 12th, this Thursday.  After an assessment they will determine if this is realistic or not.  We can't wait to have her back with us but I am a little skeptical that she will be ready by then.  I know that Sarah so badly wants to come home, which leads into the next part of the account.....

Last Friday after she was transferred to the rehab unit, I spent the night with her then left for work on Saturday morning.  This would be the last time I saw her until the following Monday night.  Her sister in law spent the day with her then her aunt went to spend Saturday night and most of Sunday there while I went home to spend some much needed time with the boys.  I had been missing them like crazy and I'd like to think the feeling was reciprocated, though they have been doing way more fun stuff with Sarah's aunt and others who have taken them than they typically get to do with me.  Boys need their Dad though and Dads need their boys.  Period.  Our plan was to go and visit her on Sunday night and have a little birthday party for Wesley who turned 5 that day.
The next few days are kind of a blur to me.  I mentioned that Sarah was still struggling with her rational thinking and was under a lot of stress.  Sometime on Saturday she got in her mind that she needed to come home, now.  As we talked throughout the day this is all she could talk to me about.  I tried my best to comfort her and explain to her that she needed to be there, and that she had a lot of therapy left to do that we just couldn't give her at home.  She persisted.
Going back 6 days, on the morning of the surgery right before they wheeled her away from me we discussed the possibility of  her not being with us anymore, and other potential outcomes.  She told me that whatever were to happen, that she trusted my judgement to make the right decisions.  Now I'll admit, I haven't always had the best track record for good judgement but that's all water under the bridge at this point in our life, so I hope.
She continued to call me constantly throughout the day and night, begging me to bring her home.  Nothing I could say was going to change her mind on this matter.  She grew increasingly persistent and desperate with every call.  She was the same with the nurses and aids caring for her.  Her once peaceful demeanor had turned harsh and sad and scared.  I hoped that this would pass with the night but unfortunately it didn't.  I know she reached out to many of her friends and family with the same frustration.  I felt like it was my responsibility to her, for her safety and well being and chance at recovery, to keep her there.  I also believed that nothing short of bringing her home could appease her at that time.  Every conversation was the same.   She was dead set on this and I felt like my hands were tied.  She was so mad at me for leaving her there. I know the irrationality and aggressiveness was in large part due to the effects of the steroids that she was still having to be on and the extreme stress she was under.   She's a fighter, and I love that about her.  She can be persistent and  I feel that this is what will get her through this trial.  After speaking with some other women, doctors, social workers and a few of her friends, I decided that the best thing I could do was just keep my distance for a while, as my presence and conversations with her seemed to just add fuel to the fire.
Sunday, Monday and Tuesday turned out to be a few of the hardest days of my life.  As a man, we want to solve problems.  We want to give our partner everything and make them happy.  That is our goal in life.  I felt like I was doing the right thing,  but not a second went by for the next few days that I didn't question that decision.  It was a hard pill to swallow, accepting that I could't give her what she wanted and had to to what I thought was best for her instead, despite the emotional strain it put between us.
I made a judgement call to not take the kids to visit her that evening like we had planned.  I was afraid for them to see her like this and afraid of what would happen if we went and then had to leave without her.  That didn't go over well either, understandably so.  I tried to distract the kids and myself with other stuff but I could't take my mind off it.  That was a long night.

Most of Monday was the same.

That afternoon she called me, begging to see the kids and assured me that she would be calm.  I decided that I would take them.  She loves them more than anything and it wasn't fair for me to be keeping them away from her.  I arrived an hour before her aunt and the kids.  She wasn't doing too well emotionally.  Dr Jensen even stopped by and it was obvious to him that the steroids were having some bad side effects on her mind and emotions.  Her aunt arrived with the kids.   It was a bittersweet reunion.  These 7 days had been the longest any of the kids had been away from their mom.  Actually, I don't think she'd been away from any of them for more than a night or 2 before this.  There were lots of tears and smiles.  It was hard for the boys to see their mom like this, in  a wheel chair, wearing an eye patch to help with her double vision, struggling to communicate with them.  But they smothered her with much needed love.  She talked a lot to them.  The little ones didn't really understand her and I know Geddy and Eli had a hard time also but Geddy was so sweet.  He sat right next to her so attentive and concerned listening to every word she said.  He's a good kid.  Eli is a tender hearted boy.  He said he had to use the bathroom so I took him and when we got in there he just broke down crying.  He likes to be tough, I know he didn't want his mom to see him cry for her.  We had a good visit but it was strained by the underlying emotions of the past few days which eventually came out and I felt we needed to go before it got out of hand.  It was a sad goodbye.  We went down one hall, the nurse wheeled her down another.  Man, talk about heart wrenching.
The ride home was somber.  The boys had lots of questions.  The little ones were rambunctious, probably not really knowing how to deal with the emotions.  Eli layed his head on my lap the whole way home.  He didn't look up at me but I could feel the wetness of his tears soaking through my dirty work pants.  I tried my best to keep it together.  They all slept in my bed that night.

That evening the calls continued from her, I think she was even more frustrated and angry with me now.  I finally stopped answering simply because I felt there was nothing I could do.  Maybe I'm a jerk but I really felt helpless.

Tuesday was the same.  That afternoon I finished work and started driving home.  I wanted more than anything to go and see her but I feared that it would just be a battle.  I was hoping that since they had taken her off of the steroid that we would start to see a change in her.  I got on the freeway.  Everything in me wanted to turn around and drive to the hospital.  I've been back and forth on whether or not I should get so sappy on a public blog but oh well, it is what it is and these are the things that are defining me right now as we deal with this.  My emotions got to me and I got off the freeway and turned around to head to see her.  Then reality and rationality set in and I turned back towards home.  I did this 2 more times before heading home for good.  I feel like I've dealt with a decent share of challenges in my life but the emotions I had as I drove home that evening have a place near the top of that list.  Faced with the reality, at least in my mind,  that for her to get better I had to leave her alone, I think I realized then how much I love Sarah.
I don't pray much anymore honestly, but I did.  I was feeling pretty helpless.

I came home, mentally exhausted and kind of just sat on the couch feeling numb, kids climbing on me and hitting me with toys.  A while later she called so I answered.  She sounded different, more calm.  She begged me to just listen.  Whether it was her returning to a rational state of mind, or me finally being able to understand what she needed or both, I had a profound moment of clarity.  I realized, or maybe we both did, that what she really wanted and needed wasn't to be at home, but was to be with us.

It hit me hard, like when you step barefoot on a die cast fighter jet in the dark when you get up to pee at night, that we needed to be with her.  She asked if we could come.  It felt right.  She sounded so excited and happy.  Eli was asleep and the little boys were busy so Geddy and I decided to go visit her that night.  We stopped and got Frosties from Wendy's and took our favorite movie Nacho Libre to watch with her.  Ever since we watched that show years ago Sarah has had a huge crush on Jack Black.  There's a guy that looks like him at the cheesesteak shop by our house and she totally flirts with him every time we go in there.  For years before that her dream hunk was Vin Diesel but I guess she grew out of that phase.  We had a great visit with her and when we left at 1 in the morning she was calm and happy and so were we.  Finally I felt like things would be okay.  We've made it a goal to see her everyday, either me or the kids or both.  I think that they will give her the strength she needs to make it through her stay there and hopefully help her when she returns home.  We spend 5 hours there on the 4th of July hanging out, eating and watching movies.  It was good.  Her attitude seems to have completely changed and I think that mine has too.

Today after visiting her for a while we came home and I did some more work on the house, installing more grab bars in the bathroom and shower and some rails on the stairs.  I removed our stair rail years ago when all it was being used for was a zip line by the boys.  Fortunately I had Sarah's aunt and my mom here helping with them so I could actually get the projects done.  Later in the evening I was working in the bathroom when Geddy and Eli came running in.  You might question the veracity of this if you don't have little kids but I swear I could't make this stuff up...they were yelling "Dad, Wesley has super glue all over his tongue."  Sure enough, he did.  Not just his tongue but his lips, chin and teeth.  It was all over everything.  I knew exactly what had happened as soon as I saw him.  I had brought home my toolbox which was in the back of my truck.  I always keep a few tubes in there.  He had tried to open one and when all else failed he just bit it.  It exploded all over in his mouth.  With a lot of scrubbing with a toothbrush, soap and toothpaste from Aunt Diana, and a warm bath soaking his face, it mostly came off.  A few teeth are still covered with it but it'll wear off in a few days.  That kid, I swear.

Anyway, we have had some ups and downs and I'm sure we will continue to do so.  I know Sarah is frustrated with the slow progress of her recovery but she is working hard and has a good attitude, all things considered.  The difference in her whole persona, and probably mine, in the last few days is night and day from where it was earlier this week.  I can't imagine how it would be to not be able to do the things and feel the way you want to and are used to.  She is strong.

I know this was no Twilight or anything but I hope there was enough drama for everyone.  I'll try harder to keep this updated so it's not so long next time.  Thanks for reading.